A squirrel tore open a bag of garbage on the front lawn. No sooner did Lohbado go into his apartment, after cleaning up the mess of soft carrot and banana peels on the front lawn, when a man came to cut the grass. Lohbado dreaded having to say good morning. To avoid human contact, he ran into his basement dwelling and locked the door.
A rush of pressure caused the left side of Lohbado’s head to tingle and burn. Painkillers spilled on the floor as his trembling hands grabbed a couple pills.
Lohbado swallowed the pills and a cup of strong coffee. The coffee only made him drowsy. He passed out on the living room sofa. Closing his eyes, it felt like falling backwards, spinning into darkness. He could see stars and hear ringing sounds. The noise of the lawn mower got louder as it mowed the lawn in front of the living room window, set just beneath the ceiling of Lohbado’s basement apartment. Soon, the spirit of Nomroh came knocking on the door of Lohbado’s skull mansion.
Nomroh warned Lohbado to beware of the ape. A cosmic gorilla was on the loose, offering a one week free trip to the Bahamas and a one year subscription to Wolf Network, where one could follow the latest about big fish defending their right to eat little fish and the haves making a virtue of bullying the have-nots. Once assets were safely frozen so as to quadruple investments, the Cosmic Gorilla would teach the way of Bliss. One could ride calm and serene waves to the quivering Pink Pasta Palace on Mount Vesuvius.
In the dream, Lohbado screamed: “I want it all and I want it now, with interest on arrears, plus administrative fee refund.”
The Cosmic Ape said: “Ask and you shall receive. Reach out your hand and feel the grapes. Open your mouth and it will be filled. I will lead you to soft pudding paradise where arms and legs are no longer necessary. You can wriggle like a worm, a long, mucoid, pleasure-throbbing, eating and shitting organism. Instead of thought, you will experience non-stop blissful streaming.”
Lohbado said: “Yes, Great Gorilla, that’s what I want. Give it to me now!”
Suddenly, Dr. Jane Wormsly, helminthologist, came rushing in from a recent episode over a wormlike mass of rotten fish.
“Stop this foolishness,” cried Dr. Jane, “There is no empirical data to support the wild claims of Kolan Bumstuhl. Beware of fibrous thickening agents. They could irritate your mind and inflame the ego, causing it to ooze with a desire for power and zeal to change how things are done. Beware of the Cosmic Ape, who acts in fragrant denial of reality, promising lilacs and rose gardens without thorns.”
The ape was never a creature of words. He blustered and sputtered in attempt to argue. When that didn’t work, he beat his chest and showed his teeth.
Dr. Jane shouted: “Be gone, you foolish creature. Go back to your boiling boudoir. Your empty promises won’t fool those who see through the tissue of lies.”
“Ooo cha, ooo ooo cha! I’ll be back,” cried the ape, “I think we can come up with a more attractive package, no down payment, no interest for the first six months, but if you switch service providers, there will be a hefty severance fee.”
Beware of fibrous thickening agents! I think I need a tee-shirt that says that!
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