Who stole the cookies?

     Aaaah! Bad bad bad very bad. Card house collapse, dangerous door electric funk gone humpty dumpty into jelloid k liquid mumble Nomroh ooo P.P. Q.Q. ritual spot touch under viscous water X-rated zoology. What’s going on? Who stole the cookies?

     Lohbado worked for a few months in the Cookie Department where he baked muffins according to specification. The idea was to squeeze each human resource in order to maximize shareholder value. Lohbado didn’t work out according to plan. He committed sin against the company. He ate cookies and muffins without paying for them. In other words, he consumed company stock, which was not meant for consumer packaging.

     Rex Pazetree called an emergency meeting of the Better Biscuit Bureau to discuss the mystery of the missing muffins and cookies. Each missing muffin, each consumed cookie represented a five cent loss to the company. Twenty missing muffins and cookies equaled a one dollar loss. Muffins and cookies went missing at the rate of two muffins and two cookies per twenty-four hour five day period. That represented a loss of ten missing cookie muffin combos per week, a net loss of fifty cents per week, or a little over two dollars per month. In a year, that could be a loss of approximately twenty-five dollars. In other words, the company was bleeding from within.

     The culprit would have to be hunted down and made to pay, not only lost revenue, but also the cost of the investigation, plus administrative expense and photocopy fees. To make the company more profitable, workers would be laid off. Only those prepared to work twice or three times as hard would be retained. To motivate upper management, top administrators would receive a million dollar bonus each. Without the bonus, administrators might lose motivation to do business. Business means jobs. If nobody wants to do business, then everybody loses. It’s in everybody’s best interest for the top one percent to be well paid and for the other ninety-nine percent to stop whining and toe the line of austerity measures.

     Rex Pazetree hired an outside investigator, Lohbadin, who advertised himself as Have Fun Will Travel. Lohbadin’s super-hero power was the ability to fall asleep within three seconds. He could sleep standing up, or in the middle of a conversation. Lohbadin believed sleep to be the key to having fun. A good night’s sleep would solve a lot of problems facing humanity. If people would sleep more, they would consume less electricity. Also, people don’t eat while they sleep. The more a person sleeps, the less that person will eat, thus economizing on food. This could solve the world food shortage: sleep more.

     It didn’t take Lohbadin long to trace the missing cookies and muffins to Lohbado. A colleague of Lohbado had seen him eating a company muffin and was only too eager to squeal. Lohbado got hauled up on the carpet. They popped the question: "Did you consume company property?"

     Lohbado confessed: “I cannot tell a lie. I took the forbidden cookies and muffins and I did eat.”

     Lohbado’s legal advisor suggested he make a show of emotion along with a confession. Lohbado rubbed an onion soaked rag in his eyes. Tears flowed down his cheeks as he repented: “I’m so so so sorry. I’ll never do it again.”

     They suspended Lohbado for three weeks without pay. And so, once again, quick, decisive action ensured that Pazetree Cookie and Muffin Company remains a sound investment.